Busboys revisited

I was in your neighborhood last night. Even went to our favorite brunch spot (for dinner this time). Even though I had a great time and enjoyed making a new memory there, it was impossible not to remember every moment we spent there together – the time we went with mom and Angie, the other time with Lindsey, etc. I especially remembered our conversation about Britt & Ben’s wedding and Alexis’ bizarre text message over by the knick-knack/gift area of Busboys and Poets. Walking down the street in Shirlington, I remembered the ‘adoption day’ with all the shelter dogs. You had to say hello to each and every furry one.

I hadn’t been any of these places since you were alive. I completely avoided the entire area since the day you died last year. Being there again reminded me of every moment of that Sunday, mother's day. I got the call, driving on the GW parkway, “your brother’s dead” reverberating through my head. The shock, hyperventilating, screaming "my brother's dead! my brother's dead!" I think I was trying to convince myself. Getting from there the parkway to your townhouse. Waiting outside. For what? You'd been dead since late Friday/early Saturday. Calling the relatives. Getting word to your friends. Not able to go in the house. It’s too awful – you don’t want to see this. Finally heading back to Reston. As soon as I saw them, all your friends, I knew it must be real. Really??

We had some great times together. Many of the happiest and proudest moments of my life happened in the 6 weeks after I moved back to DC before you died – and were all because of you. Even just knowing that we were enjoying each other’s company – that I wasn’t a totally annoying little sister – was huge. In life, you had no idea how much your love, friendship, and approval meant to me. I know that you do now. Just wish we had gotten there sooner. My heart is broken still in missing you.

Love you, Jeff.

empty

i woke up feeling empty this morning. just one of those days when the hole of missing you seems to take up all the space of me. i think about you all the time. year 2 of no Jeff ever again is almost feeling more difficult than the first. maybe because i feel more alone in missing/thinking about you on a daily basis. i no longer feel like there's a red sign on my forehead announcing your death. i can carry on as if nothing's wrong. as we all do far too often.

around the time of the one-year anniversary of your death, your friends took a river trip together. it warms my heart that they were all together. and now the story is published in the Post. Pretty amazing. You have some wonderful friends. I know you know that, just wish their love and support had felt like enough to keep you afloat a while longer.

yesterday was the 38th anniversary of mom and dad's wedding. pretty amazing. they were 20 and 22 years old, got married in a presbyterian church (much to the horror of dad's catholic family) and had the reception in the fire hall. Grandma Holko apparently got in a fight with Aunt Gloria. my bet would've been on grandma for sure :)

i wished mom a happy anniversary, so if you are with dad, please wish him the same for me. miss you both.

Love you, Jeff.

rainy day

it's raining today. since you died, every time it rains i think it is you crying. using the drops of water to reach down and let me know you are somewhere up there. it gives me pause, and like it or not, forces me to grieve my loss of you. i am reminded of your burial. the sky was grey and pouring until 2 minutes before we started the ceremony. then the weather suddenly broke, sun came out, and we were all able to be there with you and return your ashes to the earth. it was kind of funny how they floated in the water-filled hole in the ground. right next to dad's remains. i imagine you are happy to be there with him.

the sky is clearing once again. time to scoot on. but i bring you with me in my heart. miss you, brother.

love you, Jeff

Pink scooter

A couple weeks ago, I bought myself a scooter for Father's Day. I figure, after 20 father-less years, I (we) deserve a present! I'd been looking at scooters for a while, specifically the white 2009 Honda Metropolitan. Something about the brown seat with the cream colored retro-styled body was and still is just beautiful to me. But since it's my first scooter and I didn't even know if I would use it very much, I decided for something on craigslist, something previously loved but also in good condition and new-ish. I knew the right one when I saw it because, of course, it was pink.

So the day before Father's day I took the metro down to the Waterfront in SW DC to pick it up. Before that day I had test driven two scooters for a total of 1.5 miles. Needless to say, the idea of driving it from SW home to Tenleytown in NW DC made me very nervous. I was giddy with excitement and determined to do it, though. As dad always said, 'no guts, no glory, god hates a coward.'

The drive was fantastic! So exciting/scary/thrilling that I kept forgetting to breathe! I was literally beside myself with joy the entire way, and took a bit of a scenic route through the sights of the city to prolong the journey. Instead of going straight home I took it to my friend's house where they were relaxing in the sun by the 'pool' (really just a hot tub). We gave her a bath and considered what her name should be. Still no decisions on the naming.

I've ridden the scooter every day possible since then. I think I had to miss two days because of rain or the threat of rain. If you have any influence with the weather, I'd appreciate if it was dry until it snows (though I'm not sure that would be good for the fresh local veggies). In any case, I imagine you seeing me on my scooter and I think you love it. It was especially cool that your friends saw me riding to meet them and mom for lunch yesterday. To me, your friends are a piece of you. You shared your heart with your friends, and they became your family. I didn't get to know that part of you very well when you were alive. And now, whenever your friends share in the happenings of my life, I feel like it's a direct link to you, as if you there with me through them.

I'll load a picture of me on mine once I slow down long enough to take one! In the meantime, if you get a chance, help me out with pink scooter's name. I have a feeling she's like a Vixen or a Vivien but still working on it...

Love you, Jeff.

Why I am doing this...

Does anyone know what actually happens at the time of death? Is it all over or do our loved ones look down upon us with sympathy or glee?

For me, I feel certain that at death, the soul/spirit (whatever you want to call it) becomes all-knowing. In an instant, the past, future and the meaning of it all becomes clear. Perhaps this is wishful thinking. Perhaps it is a completely fictional story I tell myself in order to make my own sense of this world. In any case, I give myself this small comfort, this belief, this deep knowledge that my loved ones who have died truly see me for all that I am. Down to my toes.

I lost my brother last year to suicide, and I miss him more and more each day. There are many things I didn't get to share with him while he was alive. It's especially poignant because I was really looking forward to being closer with him, and made sure that he knew it just days before his death. Although I feel certain that I have no need to tell him anything now (as he is dead and all-knowing) for my own peace of mind I find it helpful to tell him, talk to him about the everyday and more meaningful things in my life. So here it is. A Blog with my Bro. May he be resting peacefully.

Love you, Jeff.